I Need a New Verb Tense

This is what I discovered this week: present and past tense no longer work for me; I need a new verb tense...

I awoke one morning with a feeling of heaviness around my heart and shoulders. After a shorter asana practice, I sat down to meditate, with the idea that I could "fix" the situation through concentration. I pushed, scratched and attempted to negotiate the feelings away, but couldn’t shake them. After a few minutes, I decided to embrace them. As I took the sadness in, I noticed some space around my heart and my breath came a little easier, but it still felt labored. I set my intention to softly hold the sadness, to look for the joy in the small spaces that day, and to expand into any that I might find. I went about my morning and found little bits of humor here and there, and did my best to shake off the challenging emotions. I had a conversation with one of the most upbeat, contagiously happy people I know, and I found myself smiling.

Around 11 am I found out that a friend had passed away, and all the sadness that I had sat with began to pour out of me. I was no longer heavy. I was floating on a river of grief. 

When I tried to communicate to people about losing my friend, I realized that the current options of verb tenses no longer worked.

My heart didn’t resonate with the idea that she no long was. 

I love her still; therefore, she still exists. 

How can I speak of her in the past tense?

I spoke to someone who lost her father over 10 years ago. She still catches herself using present tense when speaking of him. She still reaches for the phone to talk to him. Our hearts do not know past or present.

I want a verb tense that describes the in-between state, the gray mist that fills the gap until I am ready to speak about my loved ones in the past tense.

20 years ago, my grandmother left this world. She was a big influence on me, larger than I could possibly impart with my limited words. She continues to meet me in my dreams. I hear her in my daughter’s voice sometimes. How can she be gone, my heart asks my head? If I still feel her, remember her, learn from her, is she really gone?

I still can hear my friend’s voice. See her perfectly manicured nails. Feel her very tight hugs. I smile now, remembering when I asked her to hug me a little less tightly because she was cracking my neck each time. Even during her weaker days, when she was bed-ridden, she could  still crack my neck! How can that strength be gone from this world? My heart tells my brain that her strength is still here. 

She still is. 

She will continue to be.

The picture to the right is from my 40th birthday party celebration, a memorable day for many reasons. Karen (on the right in the picture) and I had a silly greeting that included bending forward and wagging our "tails", like how happy dogs great their beloveds. When Karen showed up to the party, we greeted each other that way, not realizing that her "tail" was pointed directly at the band, and mine was pointed directly at the audience. Once we realized what a show we gave everyone, it made us laugh even more.

How blessed I am to know someone who shows that much enthusiasm and joy in everyday life.

Shows... showed...

I need a new verb tense. Something between is, continues and was. Maybe once I find that proper term, the heaviness in my heart and head will let up.

Still wagging for you, Karen. 

Namaste.

Swan Medicine

In Native American culture, an animal appears to you in a dream, vision or waking life in order to offer you some medicine, or help with your life. The swan is my latest medicine.

My First Swan Appears

Swan Lake ballet

Between the ages of 4-14, I was convinced that I would become the next Prima Ballerina. Before I could attend ballet classes, I watched PBS performances, read books, played records that offered lessons (these were like pre-podcasts, for those of you who don't know what records are), and danced around to the music of Chopin, Debussy and Tchaikovsky. Swan Lake was one of my favorite ballets, because the music was so haunting and to a child, the choreography felt authentic: moving your arms like wings while peddling your feet as if your were in the water.

As a dancer, I was privileged to perform a famous part in the ballet, the dance of the four swans. (I can still bust it out, by the way!) I practiced the bowing swan movement over and over, pulling the grace and fluidity of the swan into my body.

During my years of dancing ballet, I experienced many injuries to my feet, ankles and back. We tried physical therapy, along with changing ballet schools, thinking that a different stress on my body could help, but it didn't. At the ripe old age of 16, I retired my ballet career.

The Swan Pose

Swan pose

When I was 29, I tried a yoga pose that really felt good. The teacher called it Pigeon Pose, but I've also heard it referred to as Swan. The pose took away much of my chronic back pain - almost instantly! And, it felt really natural. I later realized that this was the pose I had been adopting since I was a child. Later, when I was taught this pose in dynamic yoga classes, I would roll my back, which really connected with the swan bows I had done so many years before. This pose is one that I practice daily, and not just because it keeps my back pain at bay. It is a link to my past, present and future.

The Meditative Swan

My meditation timer

When I began teaching yoga to people with cancer, I knew that I had to develop coping practices. On some days, the calm I experienced in my morning meditations evaporated in the face of pain and suffering, and I would come home exhausted and heart-weary. I started visited a park in Campbell that has a lake where flocks of geese, ducks and a few swans live. I sat on a bench near the water and let the breeze blow away any sticky thoughts, resting my attention on my breath and the sensations of nature around me. At first, I set a timer so that I wouldn't keep peeking at my watch. I soon discovered that the birds at this park are very used to people feeding them. At exactly 13 minutes into my meditation, I could expect to become the subject of rivalry. The ducks came first, and if they didn't have goslings to tend to, the geese would come to scare off the ducks. Or, a great big white swan would come to check out what all the commotion was about - either gliding across the lake, or marching awkwardly across the grass, riddled with goose droppings. The swan never speaks to me, but I can feel its presence when it is about 3 feet away. I'm aware of its curiosity and strength. It usually stays nearby me and then drifts off when I make to leave. I always thank this powerful creature for letting me share space.

The Equanimous Swan

Last week was particularly emotional for me. On Sunday I led a memorial service for a student whose cancer had finally claimed her. On Thursday, I wasn't sure if my voice would hold up during the service, because my grief was showing up in my throat - offering the most horrible sounds as my heart tried to squeeze out its pain. I went to a friend's yoga class and was speaking to her about it. She offered me the image of the swan as a meditative focal point. The white swan can swim through the dirtiest water, then stop, shake and be brilliantly white again. She asked me to embody this quality of the swan: dive into the pain and difficulty, because it is what I am called to do, and then shake it off, rinsing it away to once again feel the clear, bright peaceful quality of my own inner swan.

Nearly 40 years after I first discovered Swan Lake, I am still learning from the swans. Thank you.

Announcements

• Please see my previous post about schedule changes coming in September.
• I'll be leading a 1-day yoga teacher training at Breathe Los Gatos on August 3 this workshop will teach how to meet a cancer survivor's needs within the context of a general yoga class. If you are a yoga teacher, you will need these skills at some point, no matter what class you teach. More and more people are living with cancer these days. If you are a survivor and you'd like your yoga teacher to get this training, please let him or her know about it. Click HERE to find out more.
• Please share my blog with others, and invite them to sign up. This is one of the best ways I have to get news out to you all!
• Remember, if you can't make it to class, you can always pop in my DVD, Healing Yoga for Wellness, available at www.amazon.com, Breathe Los Gatos, Pacific Healing Arts, Cancer CAREpoint resource center and Kaiser Mind-Body-Wellness center.